Chapter Two: 051107

ORD loh!!!

The day has come, finally! I’ve regained my civilian status, and henceforth, I shall be addressed as Mr. and not by rank or vocation. It's an immense relief to be "free" again, and like most NSFs, I've spent close to 2 years looking forward to this day. The exhilaration of getting back your pink IC is indescribable, and only those who've been through it will understand what I'm feeling now.

It is all the more momentous because my NS journey hadn't been easy. In fact, right from the start, I knew I wasn't cut out to be a soldier (just like some of us know we have zilch musical talent). Unfortunately, there’s no quitting so you just have to grit your teeth and push on. I ain't about to recount all the rough patches I've been through, but it's safe to say I didn't get the cushiest of appointments/postings.

It really wasn't easy coping with the haplessness, and at times helplessness, especially when you’re painfully cognizant that most of your peers are getting off much more easily. The only thing that got me through it is possibly the conviction that I will not be a person who gives up without a fight whenever the going gets tough.

There were points when I really felt like taking the easy way out, especially when I looked at those who have. But then I looked at those around me who were still persevering, and told myself I will not let them and myself down. Knowing that I had an exciting future ahead of me was also a source of motivation, because I could console myself that I am more fortunate than most, and the ordeal was only temporary – you could even count down to it.

And only now do I understand why people say you'd remember most fondly the toughest times during NS. It's not so much because the suffering in itself is unforgettable, but because you pulled through, bonded with your chiong-sua mates, and every little happy moment is amplified and etched in the collective consciousness known as 'camaraderie'. This cannot be achieved when all you do is slack in bunk or the office every day.

However, deep down, I know that I have not altered my attitude towards NS, and I stand by my belief it has not changed me "internally" - at least not in a positive way. To put it more aptly in mandarin, 我的内在并没有因为兵役而起了实质的改变。A check with my family and long-time friends should confirm that. I have matured, for sure, but only because I've aged. And for the record, I've never felt less of a boy, or more of a man because of NS. The only thing I cannot deny is that NS has changed my life (delayed my tertiary education by 2 years, for instance), for better or worse.

In retrospect, the tough experience might not have been entirely bad, because I have been too sheltered all my life, and it's about time I fell and learnt to pick myself up. It was incredibly humbling, to say the least, and it has helped me recognise a part of my character that I never knew existed.

Whatever the case, I will cherish my NS memories and the friends I've made during my NS days. We are so used to seeing one another every day (24/5) that it can get pretty mundane or sickening. But I think I will come miss them and their antics during this "withdrawal period".

And in conjunction with this milestone, I have given my blog a facelift (as alluded to previously). I’m starting a new chapter over here (both figuratively and literally). It's still green, but there's now a theme, and I've added some new stuff. You can listen to enchanting elf music, watch the (hobble-)goggle box, gossip at the Prancing Pony, dig some dirt at the Mines of Moria, and help me find the list of wanted orcs. It took quite a bit of effort, but I think the new look is pretty neat! =)

Joblessness

I'm gonna be officially unemployed from 6 November, and it's a great feeling to be free again after being "bonded" for so long. Of course I don't intend for it to remain that way, because I love money way too much. Besides, I cannot see myself rotting at home and idling away time every day when gainful employment awaits.

And it looks like some people have already found pretty well-paid jobs. But I'm gonna take a break, enjoy my Taiwan trip, get my driving licence and then... maybe I'll finally get a job. I know I'm procrastinating, but I haven't really had a good rest so far, unlike some people who have been clearing off and leave since god knows when. For the record, I just did guard duty yesterday, and I doubt many ORD personnel still burn weekends <10 days to ORD.

Anw it'd all be over very soon, and hopefully my next job, if I can bring my lazy ass to find one soon, would be much more fruitful. Recommendations and referrals welcome!

Expensive Ankle

Injured my left ankle during SOC on Tuesday, just when I had a really good chance of clearing it once and for all. "It's God's will" is all that I can say. This is my first real injury (and hopefully the last!) in NS, and it was never my intention to escape training by getting a status, even when those around me were "falling like flies".

Now that the worst is over, it'd be dumb to relent when I've endured all the way. As I told Louis, I don't wish to give "those people" the satisfaction of seeing me take the easy way out. I know it doesn't make any sense to other people, but 这是我的坚持与倔强. Maybe it's stupidity, maybe it's pride, but I have never been one to give up easily - even though I whine a lot - so this will be no exception.

The MO gave me 2 weeks of excuse RMJ, which might very well turn out to be a blessing in disguise. But he didn't give me any MC... So he was expecting me to hop and limp around in camp, including up and down the stairs to my third floor bunk, until the end of the week?! Sometimes I just dunno what these MOs are thinking. Will it kill them to give NSFs ATT C to rest at home when they are genuinely sick or injured?

But I was going to clear off anyway, so I took a cab home. Went to the clinic yesterday and the doctor gave me two days' MC after an X-ray showed that it wasn't anything too serious. Then I visited a Chinese sinseh yesterday night to get my swollen-like-a-pork-knuckle ankle sorted out and it was an extremely painful experience, both for my ankle, as well as for my wallet. This is proving to be one expensive ankle.

And now I'm grounded. =(

Solo. Cynic.

Just visited the class blog and seems like the rest had lots of fun last Sat. Oh well, once again, I couldn't make it. This must be the nth class activity I've missed. I am either stuck in camp, sick at home, or too lazy/tired to join them.

Except for the "stuck in camp" part which happens ever so often, I realise perhaps I just haven't been making an effort. To begin with, I never was that outgoing, and close to that many people. I'm perfectly comfortable with just a small group of good friends, and usually happy to be left alone.

I work well in a team, and I do enjoy it immensely from time to time. But sometimes if given a choice, I'd rather work alone. Unless if it's with people of the "same frequency", it can be very frustrating getting everyone to agree and cooperate.

But then again, I am not that stand-offish, lah. It just depends on the company, and the "chemistry". When I don't clique with someone, I don't see the need to compel myself to clique. I just end up being curt, but of course never in a rude way, and I try to be nice though maybe a little pretentious. It takes a while for me to warm up to others, and there are certain things I'd prefer to keep to myself still. Perhaps it's because of these personal inclinations, I'm not one to probe or show overt concern for even my best of friends. But that doesn't mean I don't care.

It's really quite tricky, this interpersonal business. I find messages like "don't worry, we'll always be there for you" pretentious, but then again, that's my personal bias (as a cynic), so I know I should not impose that judgement on others. A lot of people say I have too many cynical thoughts, but I just can't help it! At least I'm not bad-mouthing people behind their backs while pretending to be their friend, or backstabbing people. If I don't like you, I won't tell you in your face, but you should catch my drift pretty easily.

Solo-ists and cynics are never popular, and I know this only too well. But I don't need everyone to like me. Those who put on a mask every day just so everyone likes them are even more pathetic, no?

Mood swings

I've been having mood swings lately. Not the PMS kind, obviously. Just that I'm usually jovial and rational out of camp, but in low spirits and irritable within.

The past few weeks have been hectic and tumultous. So I'm thankful for a short break this week, which also explains my lighter mood. Went back to read my previous posts and I really seem like a different person in some of them. Not to say I regret what I've written, or that my opinion has changed, just that the way some of it was expressed is so... not me.

But it's probably the spontaniety of these posts that reflects the most genuine of feelings, at least at that point in time. Something more politically-correct and mundane would have resulted had more rumination gone into them, and there goes the beauty of blogging, isn't it, when everything is embellished and rationalised?

Like today, I was all prepared to talk about feeling fortunate and blessed compared to people in third world countries and all, so I should complain less and be grateful for all that I have, which is so very true - and so easy to say when you are not thrusted into all that shit. But then I realised, when you are in the thick of it, all the negativity comes in and you forget about the lofty statements.

So, unless you have experienced what others are experiencing, get off your high horse and don't try to judge them by your standards. You say you can empathise, but you can't unless you've been through it yourself. Don't assume you know, because to assume is to make an ass out of u and me.

Grouchy

Lack of sleep really does make one grouchy. And when you are grouchy, you say things that you don't mean, or shouldn't say (even if you mean them). I was a little too confrontational for my own good today, but I was simply overwhelmed by the feelings I have been trying to suppress. Not good, but things are getting so frustrating that I might have reacted likewise even if I were more sober.

Oh btw, it seems that we're going to Wallaby after ATEC and AHM. Which means no rest until ORD. Yeah.

The only consolation is in knowing that the clock is ticking inexorably towards ORD.

Manga!

Wasn't particularly busy but I didn't blog last week coz life is getting increasingly mundane. Spent most of it reading Naruto, and I am finally beginning to realise the appeal of manga. They are so much easier to read than books, and there's no need to mentally visualise the scenes because of the graphic presentation. No worries of being labelled a nerd for reading manga as well, so it's the perfect in-camp reading material apart from common fodder such as FHM and Maxim.
CNY is coming up, along with block leave the whole of next week. Don't have any plans yet, but I'd most probably be summoned back to camp for 1-2 days (sian...). For the rest of the days, with my pocket lined with ang pow money and the $100 from the gahmen as announced in the '07 Budget, I think I would be splurging on food, movies and CDs.

So instead of a new year resolution list I am destined to not fulfil, I shall have a new year wish list which is so much more achievable. LOL.

• Nice buffet
  
• Dreamgirls
• Letters from Iwo Jima
• Just Follow Law
• Tank - 延長比賽 (改版)
• 曹格 - Superman (改版)
• 張惠妹 - 愛的力量 10年情歌最精選
• Norah Jones - Not Too Late

Stef's new album 逆光 is slated for a Mar 21 release and that's the one I am really looking forward to.

I'm so hedonistic and materialistic, I realise. But when you're not exactly enjoying your job, earning peanuts and unable to quit, you do need to seek an emotional outlet. And retail therapy in my case provides relief and keeps me happy, so it's all worth it, I guess.

2006 in Retrospect

2006 was a year of highs and lows (yes, I'm using the most cliched starter in all of year-end retrospectives).

It was more lows than highs though, since my NS stint hasn't been exactly cushy. In fact, given my smooth-sailing journey most of the way before enlistment, this can be considered a trough. But it's probably a wake-up call, or a challenge to keep me on my feet, so that I realise life can be such a bitch sometimes and I need to start learning to cope with failures and tough circumstances.

Of course, there were highs as well. The surprising A-level results, the scholarship offers, the sense of indepedence that comes with earning your own keep (though a really meagre sum). It's good to know that I can finally relieve my parents of a burden, because henceforth, I will support myself, and they won't even have to pay a single cent for my university education. That's something not everyone can say at 19. =)

Ok, so this's my watered down recap of the year. Lives up to my blog name right? Anyway, look out for my top 10 of the year lists!

依然范特西?...

Just got Jay's 依然范特西. First impressions are pretty positive, but nothing startling. Except that he's mumbling lesser on some tracks, like the theme song for his new movie. Amazed at his perfect diction! Will post a review when I have more time to listen to the album.

Life at Kaffir is very... different from HQ. I had wanted to rant and whine, but I realised there's really no point. It's just another 1 year 2 months more, and it's either I downgrade (fat hope) or I "thunder through all" (Kaffir's motto). LOL.

For now, life may not be a fantasy, but in two years time, I would be flying off to live my dreams. It's good to know that something good is waiting for me at the finishing line of this interminable marathon, that there is something to look forward to at the end of this arduous journey. I keep telling myself that I am a lot more fortunate and blessed than a lot of other people, and that is one way I spur myself to endure whatever comes my way. God has been kind to me in many ways, and perhaps it's only fair that He take some other things away from me.

依然范特西?... Yes, of course. From the day I get back my pink IC.

Pretentiousness

I must admit my last post was a little pretentious. It's so obviously (trying to be) nostalgic, but also palpably insincere. Just like a lot of people, I mean, the insincere part. Some people are so fake, you totally despise them. But you end up "faking" with them coz it's the polite thing to do, but it's inevitably tiring, trying to keep up the pretence in their presence.

If you find that you have to put on an elaborate mask in front of someone, to portray yourself as someone you are not, then it's pathetic, for you, as well as the other party. I must admit I am guilty at times, but with no ill intentions or ulterior motives. But some people are so unashamedly plastic, they can still smile at you and claim to be your best friend after they've just put a dagger through your heart. If you watch Da Chang Jin, Ah Lie is the embodiment of such master fakos.

Many people say that your BMT friends are those you keep forever, but I beg to differ. In retrospect, it's difficult for genuine friendships to be forged when you dunno (save for a few real buddies) whether the person next to you is being truly nice or just so he can get into command school. With all that wayanging, backstabbing and all, it was a pretty good simulation of how life might be like in the working world - full of scheming and pretentious people.

Of course, I concede that "full" is too much of an overstatement, but it appears so to less discerning eyes like mine - I have difficulty judging who's real and who's fake, sometimes. It's just like the chinese proverb "after you've been bitten by a snake, you become afraid of anything that resembles a snake" (loosely translated).

Which makes me miss the good old school days, when friendships are just that, innocent and with no strings attached. There is no worry that people are befriending you simply because they want to use you as a stepping stone. But it was also in school that I was most brutally backstabbed, except that that was an isolated incident, and in the end I emerged scarred but also wiser. So, I guess it isn't so bad after all considering I've been through 12 years of formal education, making more friends than enemies along the way.

Lately I've been wondering if a platoon mate of mine is "too nice", but I think I am just paranoid. Now if only 猪八戒 can lend me his 照妖镜.

Ritz Carlton Revisited

7 months after prom, I was at the Ritz Carlton Grand Ballroom again yesterday, this time for a wedding banquet. Much unlike prom, the grand ballroom looked dull, devoid of the palpable exhilaration and endless teenage chatter. And there were only about 50 tables. Guys and gals in their glamorous suits and gowns celebrating their graduation were replaced by ladies and gentlemen dressed in relatively plain dresses and shirts gathered to witness the matrimony of a young couple. Ah, how time flies.

I didn't know the bride and groom, but it appears that the young lady, an only daughter, hails from a rich family (and tellingly, they call her "our princess") while the groom, the eldest son, is a relative "commoner". There's little wonder where most of the money for the banquet came from. Not that it matters. But to be able to hold a wedding banquet at the most expensive, and only 6-star hotel is Singapore is no mean feat for young couples who've barely saved enough for their first HDB flat - the bride and groom were no older than 25. Which proves my point, that it's great to marry a rich woman (or a woman with rich parents), preferably an only child no less.

The food was obviously much better than what we had for prom. There were a deluxe cold plate, shark's fin (with real pieces of fin and not just a few pathetic strands drowning in starch), a fresh red garoupa, Pipa duck, abalone, scallops, big juicy prawns, and an utterly sinful but heavenly dessert. By the time I left the ballroom, I was heavier by a few kg but very satisfied. ;)

...

Ok, it's "semi-official", and my closer friends and some platoon mates already know. I would probably be in London 2.5 years from now. I haven't signed the contract, but I know I eventually will, coz it's too good an opportunity to miss. Besides, it's what I have always (thought I) wanted, and I know it's gonna be fun, being in an entirely new environment, touring Europe, seeing the world and all. Singapore is just too small...

But at the same time, I know I am leaving behind many things - my family, my friends, my home, my comfort zone (and all the good food!!). It's not going to be easy, but so many before me have gone, survived, and returned, so I am apprehensive, but raring to go. I am not trying to sound like a scared kid going to see the dentist for the first time, but I hope people understand that life isn't going to be as simple and merry as many of you think it is. And more importantly, I hope we can all continue to stay in touch and meet up when I return (at least once a year!).

Well I posted this entry partly because I can empathise with what zejia wrote in his blog. That sense of loss, loneliness, depression, not knowing whether you made the right decision or are doing the right thing. What I can say is that, you are not alone! Although we don't see each other as much as before, we are certainly not drifting apart (at least that's what I hope). Absence makes the heart grow fonder, isn't it? =) Jiayou, and don't worry too much, coz all will 苦尽甘来. Whether you achieve what you set out to do, as long as you've tried your best, you should have no regrets (cliche as it is).

On a lighter note, I would probably become colleages with Boon Shan (-_-), and I dunno whether to be happy or sad. =X I know many others in the class are going overseas as well, so all the best to them, and I'll probably and hopefully see them overseas. As for those staying in Singapore, good for you lor, nowhere is better than home itself, as most NS guys would understand. And you pple better don't mention anything about chicken rice, laksa or char kway teow to me the next time...

Anw, I just bought 曹格's 格格Blue album. One word, NICE!

Birth & Death

My uncle was cremated today. It was a very sad moment, when his coffin was pushed into the furnace. The wailing of my cousins and aunts was almost infectious. Gone forever is his physical being, but he will continue to live in the hearts of all of us. We weren't close, but I could see that he is a fatherly figure in the family, being the eldest son and considering that my grandfather died even before I was born. Memories of him congratulating me (although he was wearing an oxygen mask and had trouble speaking) on my A-level results when I visited him in hospital last friday were floating in my mind. That alone brought tears to my eyes.

Sometimes I just wonder if death is deliverance from mortal sufferings. FWIW, my uncle had been down with this terrible illness for more than 2 years, and it pained all of us to see him wilt by the day. Was death, then, a good thing? I would think so, simply from a personal standpoint, with no wish to debate euthanasia-like ethical issues.

It's so tiring being human sometimes that I wonder what the afterlife is like, if there is even one. Would it be so much better that we hate ourselves for not dying earlier? (A very interesting premise I have been contemplating) No, I'm not suicidal. But I wouldn't mind if I were to die a painless death, say, tomorrow. *Touch wood*

On a more serious note, many people are afraid of death because they have "unfinished business" to attend to, or can't bear to leave behind their loved ones. But the inevitability is that you would die sooner or later, and the eventuality is that you would leave behind loved ones whether you die now (your parents and gf) or later (your wife, children and if you're lucky, grandchildren). And personally I feel that I would die with no regrets as long as I have not done anything which is against my conscience. It's ok that I have not been to university, established a career, or that I'm still a virgin. But that's just me, and my opinion might change if and when that fateful day comes.

Incidentally, it is my sister's birthday today. Here's wishing her all the best in the year ahead. One thing I realise about birthdays is that, the older you get, the less enthusiastic you are about celebrating birthdays, because they occur every year, just like any other day. I used to think that birthdays (esp. my own) are the most important days in a year, and would feel unhappy if my parents did not apply for leave to spend the day celebrating it with me. Now, I am happy to spend my birthday alone at home, doing the things I enjoy, and having a simple little feast to celebrate it - this day which is that little bit more special than all the others, and a good excuse to give myself a treat.

Forgive and Forget

It's never easy to forgive and forget. I'm not one who bears grudges, but when someone does something to hurt a cherished friendship, either intentionally or unintentionally, I can't treat him/her like it never happened, and go back to the past again. It just doesn't feel the same anymore when you see that person after knowing what he/she has done, even if at the surface (as perceived by others), we remain good friends and all. However, between ourselves, the sense of "lost camaraderie" may be more apparent, though unspoken, and the friend -ship degenerates henceforth, and sinks into oblivion as time passes.

I'm not talking about the usual disagreements that are inevitable between even the best of friends, but more subtle things, like backstabbing, bad-mouthing behind your back, hypocrisy, etc. etc. Things that people do even as they pretend to be your (good) friend, and things that people do which subliminally reveal themselves as friends less worthy than you'd imagined. Some of these are actually inherent character traits which they do not display conspicuously or knowingly in their everyday dealings, but as you get to know them better, it becomes increasingly obvious that you cannot be bosom friends with them because of who they really are. It's immensely disappointing, esp. after all that you have invested in that friendship, but certain things really can't be helped.

Perhaps I am being a little sanctimonious or judgemental here (writing about backstabbing and stuff), because I know that I myself am guilty of some of these things, and for that, I offer no excuses. I apologise, but I do not seek forgiveness, for I know forgiveness is never easily given, unless, of course, if you are a saint, which I doubt many of us would claim to be.

Actually I have been meaning to say all these for a long time, but I still lack the resolve to spell out the people who prompted this "outburst". I'm not sure if they(yes, there are more than one) know who they are, but the main reason I haven't really named names is because I still hope to salvage the friendships. It's never easy to forgive and forget, but I'm trying.

The Joys of Solitude

It's amazing how time flies even as you slack around every day. Btw that's not a typo, it's every day, not everyday. Haha. Anw as I was saying, time slips by faster than you know it, and in 17 days' time, I would be enlisting. I'm kinda looking forward to that day, not because I love BMT, but because I can't wait to get it over and done with. This waiting game is basically a waste of time, coz there's really nothing much you can do in that few remaining weeks that we guys have. I kinda envy the girls, coz I want to work too! For the experience, for the money, to pass time. But as I was discussing with aj the other day, we will earn back all the money after NS coz our pay will be higher by a few hundred bucks per month (assuming the same basic pay lah, duh). =P

Yeah back to the topic, I actually quite enjoy being alone, watching TV, surfing net, reading book, listening to music, etc. I recall there's this chinese essay we had to write in Sec 2, roughly translated as "what I do when I'm alone" (dang1 wo3 du2 chu3 de4 shi2 hou4). I wrote (just for a small part of the essay) that I'd enjoy taking a shower and my teacher commented it's somewhat obscene. Bleh. That's because she's dirty-minded or something (as are all those who have those thoughts as they read this entry), what's wrong with enjoying a long shower and relaxing at the same time...

Haha anw that's beside the point. I kinda relish the thought of not having to put up a mask, nor try to squeeze topics from my brain to talk about. Of course it's not that I don't enjoy company, or that I'm a bloody fako, but sometimes you do indeed try to project yourself as someone you are not, for whatever reasons, if you get me. I tend to believe most, if not all, of us put up different facades when we are with different people. It's part of the imperfect human nature, as I always say.

Another thing is, I can't seem to gather that impulse to initiate outings. There's great inertia on my part, in other words. So I'm passively waiting for others to ask me out. And if that doesn't happen, well I'm perfectly fine being left alone as I am, to spend my time in quiet solitude. There are many things you can't do alone, but there are also many things you can't do without being alone, yeah?

It's getting pretty long, so I shall not go on. The "book review" has been shifted to another entry. Anw I'm (single and) available so you can ask me out if you want. =P Otherwise I will just continue to indulge in the joys of solitude (sounds weird, doesn't it. LOL). Oh yeah, I'm pretty looking forward to seeing Zejia when he books out in a few days' time. Both aik joon and jinny say they can't imagine him bald. Knowing the "vain" guy that he is =X, and how much effort he puts into styling his hair every day, it's gonna be really interesting. Haha. Yes, I'm gloating. ;)

Japanese

Went Pasir Ris to cycle today, damn tired. Nothing much to say, except that it's good to be sweating it out and enjoying the sea breeze at the same time. The plan was to go to Esther's house to play Mahjong after tt, and then fetch Ziwei at the airport (he's back from NZ!). But I had a JPU class outing, so left after cycling. It turned out that in the end, no one went to fetch ZW...

Talking abt the JPU outing, aik joon insisted on tagging along (to see the shuai ge from VJ, but he overslept so aik joon didn't get to see him...) so I brought him along. In the end so extra lah. LOL. Left early also coz he dun want to be extra anymore.. Anw I realised I forgot most of my Japanese, so didn't dare to stand near or talk to sensei, coz it'd be so malu... But it's good to hear some Japanese, however broken, from the rest. LOL. It brought back memories of the past 5 years I spent at MOELC learning the language.

There appeared to be this void in my life this year, because I no longer need to travel to and fro between school, MOELC, and home twice a week for Japanese lessons, or mug Japanese on top of school curriculum. I miss going to Bishan (having witnessed the transformation of junction 8 over the 5 years), waiting in school or in MOELC for Japanese lessons to start (coz they were usually in the late afternoons and school ends earlier than that on most days), and chatting with my classmates in the MOELC canteen.

That routine was actually part of my life for the past 5 years. It was sometimes painful, to see almost every one quit by the end of the second year, to have to end school at 6.30/7.30pm twice a week and reach home at almost 8 (and stay up until 2am mugging if there's hw or a school test the next day), to mug for one more subject than every one else (which means more hw, projects, tests, exams), to overcome the nervous wreck going into each end-of-year oral exam, to sit for that almost impossible Japanese AO paper.

But there's also the good and fun, like being forced to sit in the first row and falling asleep right in front of Koh sensei (she never scolded me =P), making new friends (from all the different schools, and many Koreans) , learning another language that's both challenging and intriguing because it's so similar to Chinese - the kanji, and yet so different - the complex grammar structures (volitional form, polite form, transitive form, etc. etc.), and the alphabet-like hiragana and katakana. And of course the exchange programme, the satisfaction of being able to understand about 30% of Japanese dramas and anime (pronounced ah-ni-meh btw) without relying on subtitles, and the results achieved at the end after putting in so much hard work.

But now, I'm putting all these behind me.

iPod Nano!!

Yeah, I finally bought an iPod Nano yesterday, 4GB white. It's uber cute, and thin! I paid for it with my own pocket money ok, unlike some very fortunate pple whose parents/siblings are willing to buy such expensive gadgets for them. My parents deem them as "for-your-own-entertainment-so-pay-for-it-yourself" items. Anw if you're wondering, my old iPod (which I also paid for myself) has gone down the way of the dodo. Sigh.

I'm actually quite "frugal", to think abt it. I have used the same school bag for 6 years. Worn the same pair of shoes to school for the past 4-5 years. Used the same computer (Pentium III = SLOW.....) for the past 4 years. And I seldom buy stuff with my parents' money. Not because I have lotsa pocket money, but I prefer to pay for my own stuff so that I don't feel so guilty splurging their money on top of my monthly allowance.

I'm sure I have >50 CDs (a rough count yielded about 70), all paid for using my own pocket money. That's >$1000 based on an average of $20/CD. Sounds like an aweful lot but I'm sure those of you who go shopping/watch movies often will realise $1000 is not a lot. Esp. for a person who has walked this earth for 18 years. LOL.

Anw just bought "Aerial", the latest 2-CD masterpiece by Kate Bush. The ST Life! review gave it 5 stars ok. There's this really interesting song called "π", in which Bush sings about the digits in π (those more well-informed will know that π is not equal to 3.14..). It's 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510........ (she goes on for another 80 digits or so). And she makes it sound so enjoyable and soothing. Wu Ti Tou Di. LOL. There are of course other more serious songs, and excellent ones at that. Totally worth every cent I paid for it.

In conclusion, I am very broke. Again.

It's Over

It's finally over, the culmination of 2 years of pre-U education. Strangely, there's little joy. In fact, I felt a tinge of sadness when the Bio S paper ended today. It's a strange feeling, because I usually feel happy on the last day of exams, big or small. Probably because I know I didn't perform to my standard, and expectations.

No use crying over spilt milk, really. It's disappointing, but sometimes things just don't go your way, and that's part of life. I have had lots of luck in the past 18 years, perhaps it's time Lady Luck smiled on someone else? I am learning to kan4 kai1 ba, I think I am trying too hard to live up to expectations, when actually I am satisfied with just being above average. Ok I know some of you aren't gonna believe it, but that's the truth. Like people thought I would be sad coz I didn't top my primary school in PSLE when I topped prelims, but I was like: hello, I already scored so well, I dun have to be top to be happy ok.

I am competitive, but I know my limitations, so I am happy as long as I have done my best, and done well, regardless of whether there are pple better than me. Hmmm so please stop saying I'm hypocritical when I tell you that I know I wun/didn't do well, coz I mean it. At least that's what I truthfully think, though the results may not always turn out tt way. Hopefully.

On a brighter note, the fact that As have ended is beginning to sink in. I think I will put the As behind me and enjoy life for the next month or so before I start charging up hills and (dis)assembling rifles. Will still have to train up though, think my muscles are degenerating from lack of exertion, and my stamina is... horrendous. But now that I have no other greater distractions (except the TV, comp. and more entertainment), I can devote more time and effort to "improving my fitness" and "shaping up" for NS. Not exactly my favourite activities, but I'd rather suffer now than in NS.

Went with ze jia n aik joon to orchard today. AJ brought along his little niece, who is cute, but behaves too much like a spoilt little princess. AJ kept lamenting that children are troublesome, and I fully agree. So sian lugging a little princess around when you're trying to shop or do anything (like watch NC16/M18 movies). Had lunch at pasta and watched Zathura, spent like >20 bucks today. Gosh, I'm broke. Anw Zathura was fun, keeps you at the edge of your seat most of the movie (coz u nv know what would be the next "Z" card to pop out), but I thought the brotherhood plotline was too contrived and superficial. Well the reviewers liked it (it got 4 stars vs GOF's 3.5), and it's a pretty good movie, worth watching if you have watched GOF and are waiting for King Kong and Narnia.

Hmmm... that's about all. Think I can blog more often now that exams are over and I have so much time on my hands. Ciao.

Almost... Imperfect

It's almost over. Almost. Been feeling irritable lately, probably hyperthyroidism. Results in weight loss, not a bad thing if it persists until I am of a "satisfactory" weight. Lol.

I marvel at how pple can literally empty their feelings and/or thoughts onto their blogs, sort of verbal diarrhoea (for lack of a better word), like they can't stop and need to tell someone everything. Hmmm diarrhoea has a negative connotation, but I don't mean to say that it's a bad thing. It's just tt I can't bring myself to do likewise, or you can say I have verbal constipation. I don't like to ponder too much, or tell too much for tt matter. That's why my blog is full of mundane and superficial stuff. It's not that my life is a bed or roses, but I don't feel the need to tell you how happy or miserable my (pathetic) life is. Period.

I think it's just that we all have different attitudes toward life, and I respect that. There's no right or wrong, good or bad in many things, just how you want to lead your life. I constantly remind myself that not every one thinks the same way as I do, but that does not necessarily mean that they are wrong. What's important is that we agree to disagree and respect each other's viewpoints. But tt's easier said than done. There's always a dissenting voice deep down, urging us to rebel, to rebuke; the nagging belief that our opinion is superior. We agree eventually, but not without one party feeling coerced, coaxed or just downright unconvinced. Such is the hypocrisy of Man, just as we are all superficial and selfish. We are an imperfect species.

Enough of all that philosophical crap, and back to reality. I am VERY BROKE now because there are 3 people who owe me $7.50 each. Those ingrates, I helped them get tix and that's how they repay me. Grrrrh.

Oh yeah, if you read ST, the comics in Life! are really funny. Baby Blues(my fav!), Foxtrot, Peanuts and Garfield make for good "toilet reading". And don't forget Sherman's Lagoon and Chew On It on Sunday.

The Irony

Today I wrote an essay on "luck" for GP. Of course, as any sensible person who doesn't intend to fail GP would do, I wrote that luck is too difficult to grasp, hence we have to depend on ourselves - something to that effect lah.

Here comes the irony: I actually believe in luck, and divine help. I think I have been underperforming for the past few papers (except Maths P2 which a lot of pple complained about..). Dunno, I think I've had horrible luck. Even all my chem notes were soaked in water (thx to my leaky water bottle) just before P3 so I couldn't finish mugging and got so mightily demoralised (thx zejia for consoling me) AND the ink smudged so bad I will have to "repair" the notes before Chem P2. A lot of other unlucky stuff lah, details of which I shall not bore all of you with. I think I am totally down on my luck.

Whatever. I am disillusioned.